Hello. Let me introduce myself. I am Sue Ellen Magee, the much unfairly maligned swimwear buyer at Bainbridge Department Stores in Los Angeles. Just because I am tough and don’t cut those whiny suppliers any slack or put up with BS from any of them, that is no reason for vendors to refer to me as the Queen of Mean or the Bitch of Bikinis.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A canister full of Jelly Beans on my desk and no mark-downs at the end of the season.
What is your greatest fear?
Not being respected.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I am way too nice.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Whining.
Which living person do you most admire?
It’s a tie between Nancy Pelosi and Liz Cheney. Two of the toughest women on the planet who take crap from NO ONE.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Jelly Beans.
What is your current state of mind?
Amazement.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience.
On what occasion do you lie?
Never. Ever. What I say is not often popular, but I always tell you what I think and NOT what I think you want to hear.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
The girls could be a couple of bra sizes bigger.
Which living person do you most despise?
Vladimir Putin. The man has the dead eyes of a shark and is evil incarnate.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
He is attracted to a woman’s mind, not just her bra size. Oh yeah, and it goes without saying…a great ass.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
She stands up for herself.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I have not met him yet…
Which talent would you most like to have?
To be able to swear in a multiple number of languages.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Absolutely NOTHING. I am perfect exactly the way I am.
Where would you most like to live?
On a tropical island.
What is your most treasured possession?
My antique Jelly Bean jar.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Prison.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Promptness and my snappy repertoire of comebacks.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty and the courage to tell me the truth no matter how much it might hurt.
Who are your favorite writers?
Lisa Scottoline, Joan Hess, Carolyn Haines, Anne George
Who is your hero of fiction?
Nancy Drew
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Amelia Earhart
Who are your heroes in real life?
Myself
What is it that you most dislike?
Liars.
What is your greatest regret?
I don’t have any.
How would you like to die?
In my sleep after a great roll in the hay.
What is your motto?
Take no prisoners.
Thank you, Sue, for the eye-opening interview. Readers, to learn more about Sue and how she almost went up the river for killing the guy in the Easter Bunny outfit, scroll down.
Title: Death by Jelly Beans
Author: Susie Black
Genre: Cozy Mystery
Publisher: The Wild Rose Press
Book Blurb:
Mermaid Swimwear President Holly Schlivnik discovers the Bainbridge Department Store Easter Bunny slumped over dead and obnoxious swimwear buyer Sue Ellen Magee is arrested for the crime. Despite her differences with the nasty buyer, Holly is convinced the Queen of Mean didn’t do it. The wise-cracking, irreverent amateur sleuth jumps into action to nail the real killer. But the trail has more twists than a pretzel and more turns than a rollercoaster. And nothing turns out how Holly thinks it will as she tangles with a clever killer hellbent on revenge.
Excerpt:
I dragged my eyes over to the throne. The Easter Bunny sat slumped over with his chin resting on his chest and his body listing to the right. Good grief. A double-whammy. Not only did he dip into the jellybeans again after being warned not to, but he fell asleep on the job in a booze-infused slumber.
Why should I give a flying fig about the jerk who bowled me over without an apology, let alone helping me up? Yet a stab of unexpected pity pierced my heart. I checked the time. Still a few minutes before my command performance. Maybe rouse the poor guy and give him a chance to concoct another story Sue Ellen might buy unless the security cameras sealed his fate.
I shook him again and got nothing for my trouble. His chest wasn’t rising and falling. Good gravy. Was the guy breathing? I passed my hand over the costume's mouth opening, but one so small I couldn’t tell. I clasped a paw to check for a pulse, but the heavy gauge costume fabric was too thick to detect one.
I checked my watch. No more time to crap around trying to help this idiot or I’d be late for my meeting. Despite my efforts to rouse him, the guy hadn’t so much as twitched. Annoyance coupled with dread tied my stomach in knots. I panned the department. No one was around except the rabbit and me.
The Goddess short-changed me in the height department but compensated by blessing me with a deep voice and a strong set of pipes. I put my lips next to his ear and shouted loud enough to wake the dead. “PEDRO, WAKE UP!”
I grabbed the rabbit by the shoulder and shook him with all my might. The guy didn’t move an inch. I grasped his arm tightly and yanked it hard trying to right him. Good grief. The bunny was stiff as a board. I might as well try bending a steel beam.
I let go of his shoulder and the rabbit slid off the throne. He crashed headfirst into the library table. Along with my messenger bag, the jellybean jar bounced off the edge of the table and fell onto the cement floor. My messenger bag survived the ordeal, but the jellybean jar broke into a zillion pieces. Jellybeans scattered all over the place. The bunny bounced twice and flopped unceremoniously face-down into a pile of jellybeans.
The concept of shouting loud enough to wake the dead? Trust me, it’s a pile of hot hooey. I didn’t need an MD after my name to make this diagnosis. Pedro Conejo was as dead as the proverbial doornail. When the first responders arrive, they’re gonna close the swimwear department for who knows how long. This ought to put a nice crimp into the Easter promotion. And who gets to break the good news to Sue Ellen? None other than yours truly.
She’s not gonna be a happy camper. Naturally, I burst out laughing.
Buy Links:
Author Biography:
Named Best US Author of the Year by N. N. Lights Book Heaven, award-winning cozy mystery author Susie Black was born in the Big Apple but now calls sunny Southern California home. Like the protagonist in her Holly Swimsuit Mystery Series, Susie is a successful apparel sales executive. Susie began telling stories as soon as she learned to talk. Now she’s telling all the stories from her garment industry experiences in humorous mysteries.
She reads, writes, and speaks Spanish, albeit with an accent that sounds like Mildred from Michigan went on a Mexican vacation and is trying to fit in with the locals. Since life without pizza and ice cream as her core food groups wouldn’t be worth living, she’s a dedicated walker to keep her girlish figure. A voracious reader, she’s also an avid stamp collector. Susie lives with a highly intelligent man and has one incredibly brainy but smart-aleck adult son who inexplicably blames his sarcasm on an inherited genetic defect.
Looking for more? Contact Susie at:
Website: www.authorsusieblack.com
E-mail: mysteries_@authorsusieblack.com
Social Media Links:
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/hollysusie1_saved/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/@hollyswimsuit